If I Had Words

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Chapter 85      Chapter 87

Eros stood by anxiously watching Panacea work. Psyche’s color was back and the pained look on her face had finally relaxed. He noticed his own body relaxing as Psyche improved.

Panacea stepped back and looked at Eros.

“She’ll be alright. She still needs rest as her body comes back together, but she should be able to get up soon,” she said. “I did as you instructed. I left the scratches and bruises to heal on their own, but the rest of her body’s functions should be repaired and moving well enough now.”

That was Athena’s idea. 

She said for the trial Psyche needed to maintain her original appearance. Only get the body functioning, she had said. 

He didn’t mind. Everything about Psyche was beautiful. 

He was still in awe that she had been willing to go through his mother’s tasks so that they could be together. 

Psyche never should have had to prove anything, especially not to his mother. 

He watched Psyche as she rested. He didn’t want to disturb her, but he was aching to be close to her. He was eager to talk to her. 

Psyche lay on a fresh, cushioned couch. She felt so much better. Someone had come, someone who understood the mortal body. Psyche had felt the goddess’s power weave up and around her, exploring every part and function. She had cleared out the decay and had replaced dead cells with new ones. She repaired withered tissue and released the stiffness. 

Psyche was now able to take in full breaths. 

There was still a bit of pain, but it was minor and dull compared to the unspeakable agony it had been before. 

“Psyche, how are you feeling?” 

She knew that voice. 

Eros.

She kept her eyes closed and smiled. 

“I feel much better, thank you,” she said, taking in another deep breath. 

“I’m so glad,” he said. 

He sat in silence for a moment, wanting to say more but not wanting to bother her. 

Finally he couldn’t wait any longer.

“Psyche. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry for everything,” he said.

Psyche squinted up at him. The healing gave her eyes fluid and had repaired some of the decay, but everything was still adjusting. 

Slowly images came into focus and she could finally see.

“You have nothing to apologize for,” she said. “I wouldn’t trade it.”

He looked down.

“I can’t believe that. You would do all of this again? Live in the dark, go through all of those tasks, go through all of that pain just now?” he said. 

“Eros,” Psyche said. 

He looked at her. 

They just looked at each other for a moment, taking in every detail.

The light, the intelligence, the symmetry.

They were perfectly matched. 

Psyche blushed. 

Eros was curious. 

“What makes you blush like that?” he asked.

This made her blush even more. 

“What??” he said, smiling.

She brought a hand up to her face. 

“You’re just too beautiful,” she said from behind her palm. 

He took her hand.

“So are you,” he said. 

Psyche looked away.

“No, I’m not. Not beautiful like you,” she said.

“Yes, you are,” he said. 

He thought for a moment, trying to find the words.

“Psyche, I am immortal. I’ve seen quite a few things in my existence so far,” Eros said. “I am not sure how to describe it, but you are the most beautiful woman I’ve ever encountered. When I look at you, I see beauty, of course, but it’s a beauty that brings joy to the beholder.  

“And it invokes something in me that wants to reach for more, reach for something better than what I already have. 

“It’s like what you were explaining with your little cottage. Having too many ornaments and accessories can get in the way of natural beauty. And we can miss beautiful things because we’re pursuing some imagined ideal of perfection. I have always enjoyed pleasures and luxuries, but I see through your eyes that there’s still more to uncover and understand about the cosmos.”

Psyche looked at him. 

“I love you,” she said. 

“I love you, Psyche,” he said. 

“Help me understand something,” Psyche said, after a moment. “Persephone said that I’m here because you brought me before Zeus.” 

“When you died, I — I just couldn’t bear to lose you,” Eros said. “You being in the Underworld doesn’t feel right somehow. Did you like it there?”

“I liked it,” Psyche said. “At least there your mother couldn’t send me on any impossible tasks or punish me for doing my work.”

“My mother,” Eros said, shaking his head. “I don’t understand what she really has against you, why she fears you so much.” 

“Surely she can’t find me so threatening now,” Psyche said. 

“Well, given the fact that you’ve just risen from the dead,” Eros said. “I would say you’ve never been more frightening, even to a goddess.”

“Feared by gods and man. I thought that was your line,” Psyche said, smiling. 

Eros smiled. 

He’d missed her.  

“Do you think I am meant to be a goddess?” Psyche asked seriously.

“Psyche, I have been trying to make sense of you ever since I first met you,” he said. “I knew you weren’t meant to be punished. When I tried to save you from my mother, I just ended up putting you in a nicer sort of prison. 

“Rather than going myself to bring you back to be with me, you had to come on your own and my mother got to set the terms. She put you through those trials when you never had anything to prove to me. 

“Looking at everything, I think I’ve been short-sighted. This whole time, I think I’ve been several steps behind you. I think you are a goddess, Psyche, and I think this last trial will prove it.”

He bowed his head.

“I’m just so sorry,” he said. “I’m sorry to have put you through so much. Sorry for all of your pain and suffering. I didn’t know you would find happiness in the Underworld. I’m sorry to make you come back and face the gods.”

Psyche thought for a moment.  

“Remember when you didn’t want me to settle for the cottage?” Psyche said thoughtfully. “I had been perfectly content with the simple life. It’s in my nature to love the things around me. And, I was feeling guilty having more than I felt I deserved. 

“Eros, you showed me it’s not about deserving or even proving to others that I’m worthy. It’s knowing what I want. It’s knowing what I’m capable of. It’s — it’s stretching to see what I can really do. I think it’s this very journey which has made all of this possible.” 

Psyche hesitated.

“It’s just –” Psyche started. 

“What?” Eros said.

“It’s just that in the Underworld I could shine as brightly as I wanted,” Psyche said. “I could be my true self. I don’t know if that will work among the gods. I don’t know if I’m what they’re looking for, or if I can handle whatever it means to be a goddess. 

“I’m still trying to figure out where I belong. I love you and I want to be with you, but what if I’m meant for something else?” 

“Psyche, I certainly don’t want to put you back in my palace and keep you all to myself. We both found out that isn’t the answer. That’s not where you belong,” he said. “Of course, I want you to be with me, more than anything. But even more than that, I want you to be happy.”

He thought for a moment. 

“Maybe that’s what this trial is for,” he said, thinking. “Athena will likely help you unpick the logic and figure out where you should be. She’s the primary advocate for you in this trial.” 

“Athena? As in the Goddess of Wisdom and Victory? The one who breathed life into our first parents? The Goddess Athena?” Psyche said, not believing.

“Yes, the very one,” he chuckled. “My sister Harmonia told her everything and she’s quite convinced.” 

“Your sister — Harmonia??” Psyche said. 

“Yes,” he said, starting to laugh. “You’re going to love her when you meet her. She already loves you.” 

Psyche shook her head.

“I have to admit I’m still getting used to the idea that you are a god, that you’re Aphrodite’s son,” she said. “You’ve always just been my husband — the voice in the dark.”

“I’m still that person. Don’t let my appearance fool you –” Eros started.

“Sorry to interrupt, but it’s almost time,” Phobos said, coming into the room. “Nice to meet you Psyche,” he added.

Psyche looked up.

“Almost time?” Psyche said, starting to panic. “I’m not ready!” 

“Sorry,” Phobos said, eyeing Eros.  

“I — I don’t know what to say,” Psyche stammered, as Deimos joined them. “I can’t possibly face the whole assembly of gods.” 

Eros gave a small smile. 

“Let me introduce my brothers; Phobos, God of — um — Panic and Deimos, God of — uh — Dread,” Eros said.

Psyche looked at Eros’s brothers for a minute. They both had wide grins. 

Phobos gave a small, playful bow.

“Don’t mind us,” Deimos said. “We’re huge Psyche fans.”

Psyche smiled.

“And we’ve seen what you’re capable of, Psyche,” Phobos said. “If you can handle those terrifying sheep, you can handle anything. Most of the gods are ridiculous anyway.”

“How do you know about that?” Psyche said.

“We were there to help you,” Deimos said. “Eros wasn’t allowed to step in, but Mother said we could help, so we did.” 

Deimos shrugged. 

“The Gods of Panic and Dread helped me,” Psyche said in disbelief.

“Harmonia was there too,” Phobos said. “We helped scare the sheep.”

“The sheep??” Psyche laughed. “That was you two? I had never heard such terrifying noises! It was the most ridiculous sight I’ve ever seen!” 

Deimos and Phobos couldn’t help smiling. 

“We also kinda helped create and gather enough ants for you,” Deimos said. “We wanted you to have enough helpers.”

Psyche looked at them, not hiding the tears welling up in her eyes. 

“We’re sorry,” Deimos said, concerned. 

“We don’t mean to make you cry,” Phobos said. 

“I cannot thank you enough,” Psyche said, letting the tears fall down her cheeks. “I would have never succeeded without your help. I am forever grateful.” 

Eros’s brothers grew solemn for a moment. They’d never had someone thank them like that before. Her sincerity and kindness made them glad they’d helped. 

“Well, anyway, we’d better get going,” Phobos said, not used to experiencing such emotions.

“Psyche, can you stand?” Deimos asked, eager to help some more. 

Psyche focused on her body for a moment. Everything felt fine. 

Deimos and Eros each grabbed an arm and helped her sit up.

Psyche sat making sure blood flowed freely from her heart to her limbs. 

Phobos stepped up beside Psyche to help, if necessary, as she attempted to rise. 

So far so good.

She stood for a moment and looked at the brothers as Deimos joined in alongside Phobos. 

“Thank you,” Psyche said.

“It’s a pleasure, Psyche,” Deimos said.

“Truly,” Phobos said.

They all stood quietly for a moment.

“Well, we’d better find our seats,” Phobos said, breaking the silence. 

“See you out there,” Deimos said. 

The brothers left the two alone. Phobos gave Eros a parting punch in the arm.

Eros couldn’t help smiling. 

“Your family seems quite close,” Psyche said. “Different from how you described them before.”

“Well, uh, things have since kind of changed,” Eros said. He thought about how much things really had changed with his brothers. 

They were fun to be around and they didn’t annoy him so much. 

“Anyway, Psyche,” Eros said, looking at her seriously. 

Psyche matched his expression and looked intently at him.

She was so beautiful. She looked like a warrior goddess. 

Athena will definitely like that, Eros thought.

“Psyche, as we get ready to talk to the council, just be true to who you are. You don’t need to be Aglaura — definitely don’t be Cydippe,” he said. “You can love weeds and bugs. You can care about every living creature. Don’t hold anything back. Shine as brightly as you want.

“The rest will work itself out.”

Psyche reassured herself that there was no way she could lose. At the very worst, she would be allowed to go back to the Underworld, free from pain and free to do her work.

Psyche sighed.

Where did she belong? 

There was only one way to find out. 

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