If I Had Words

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I floated, feeling weightless within the core of my earth. It had been some time since Kronos had taken what he needed, what he wanted, what he used to rule over the rest of us. Ouranos had said Kronos was the answer. I tried to trust him. I tried to work with Kronos. Kronos made it all so unbearable. He imagined himself the most powerful among us now — now that he had Ouranos’s power. He was ever making his superiority known. Mnemosyne reminded me he had always been like that. I knew she was right, but it didn’t help. 

It made me wonder. Would Khaos have been better? I had resisted for so long, the idea that Khaos had a purpose. Undoing things was completely against my nature. I couldn’t imagine a need for unmaking, for destroying any of the creations. 

But maybe. Maybe I should have tried harder to understand Khaos’s purpose. Maybe I should have worked harder with Ouranos to find a better way.

I felt comfort in knowing one of Kronos’s own children would eventually take that power from him. 

In the meantime, we all had to find a new balance, a new order within the cosmos. 

Ouranos was still there. My love, my protector. He had poured all of his love into our last creation and had retreated into his heavens. He was finished with creating anyway, even before Kronos took it. I think that was partly why he was able to give it up so easily. 

He had been ready. 

I had not.

Why did it have to be Kronos? Why not Koios or Krios? Even if Ouranos was ready, why hadn’t I fought harder? I might have tried to convince him not to give up so quickly. 

It was too late now. 

I tried. I tried to accept the new way of things. 

But Kronos’s whole existence made me uninterested in trying to do anything anymore. 

I soaked in the warmth of my core. It was peaceful here. It reminded me of what Tartarus had said of the abyss. I could find rest. I could find peace. Not in the abyss, but within myself.

I did have the satisfaction of managing to create at least three more children with the struggling remnants of my connection with Ouranos: the ash trees, the furies, and the gigantes. I did better this time and they each had a clear purpose. I felt sorry for the cyclopes and hecatoncheires. Those were still trapped in my earth. Kronos would not let them out, now that he had the power to keep them in. He said they were too ugly.  

Well, my ash trees could not be hidden. They were ugly and grey-looking, a reminder of how sad I felt. They remind us all of what we had lost. They would not be buried in the earth.

Nor could he hide the furies. They were powerful and well-formed. They were wise and cunning too. They would exact justice where justice had been denied. They would ensure my revenge. Not yet, but they would when the time was right.

And the gigantes. They were as large as some of my mountains. I had found a small amount of Khoas’s power and given it to them. They would be impossible to control, impossible to organize. They would surely make things difficult for Kronos. 

I felt sorry for all of my children. Rheia seemed especially distressed. She would sometimes come and talk to me, even while I was in my core.  

I had tried so hard. I had poured in so much and fought so hard. I had forced Khaos to make space for us. 

Now Kronos was the one to do the forcing.

I groaned, turning on my side. 

I had released them too soon. They had fooled me into thinking they cared, that they would respect the order Ouranos and I were trying to build. It was my fault. My desire to create had been all consuming. 

Now I was spent.

Now I felt nothing.

Like the void. 

I was finally starting to understand these ideas of resting, undoing, and trying again. 

I might never understand being perfect because I am constantly filled with potential. 

But Khaos has his purpose and I have mine. We are opposites. Opposites are not to be feared. Opposites give us choices. Opposites provide balance. 

There would be the next question.

And the next answer. 

Even if it was not a perfect one, it would have potential. 

I felt for Ouranos’s last creation.

She would be the answer to some future question.

For now she rested in the waters of the deep. Tethys had carried her to the seas, letting her remain hidden within its depths until she was ready to emerge. There was not much I could do for her. She would have to find her own way.

Her own beginning. 

Just as I had. 

Because that’s where it all starts.

It’s where it always starts.

In the beginning.