If I Had Words

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Chapter 51      Chapter 53

Psyche gasped as Eros’s eyes flew open. 

Something had burned his hand.

He looked at it and noticed a mark. 

But there was something else too. 

Light. 

Light? Why was there light? 

No. 

No, no, no.

Psyche.

He looked up at her, bewildered.

Psyche stepped back. 

“I’m so sorry,” Psyche whispered, her heart pounding. 

No, Psyche, he thought.

He slowly rose.

“What have you done??” Eros said, trying to contain his anger.

She wobbled as she took in his entire physique. 

He was magnificent. 

“I’m — I’m sorry,” Psyche stuttered, “I — I just –”

“What were you planning to do?” he said, noticing the object in her other hand. “Were you going to kill me?” 

Psyche followed his gaze to the knife she still clutched.

“This? No. No, I had no intention of hurting you. This — this was in case,” Psyche said, trying to will the knife away, but it wouldn’t disappear. 

“In case of what??” he said, his anger rising.

He was trying to stay in control, but the sight of her by the lamp-light reminded him of every other mortal.

Mortals were so weak, so simple. 

“I don’t know. It just appeared in my hand,” Psyche said.

“It’s because you wanted it to, Psyche,” he said.

“I don’t know — “ Psyche said.

He would lose her. 

Didn’t she know what would happen if she lit the lamp? What would happen if she saw him??

“I asked you to trust me,” Eros said. “Was that so hard? I love you, Psyche. Now you’ve ruined everything.”

“I’m sorry,” she said. “I know, I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have. I shouldn’t have lit the lamp.” 

“Why did you? Why couldn’t you trust me?” he said, letting a little of his pain enter his voice. 

“I just couldn’t stay in the dark,” she said. “I can’t live this way.”

The dark. 

Always the dark. 

“If you fear the dark so much,” he said, giving in to his anger. “Then here, let me help you.” 

At his command the entire room burst into light as candles, lamps, and lanterns appeared from every corner of the room and ceiling. 

The sudden transition from dark to light made Psyche drop her little lamp as she shielded her eyes. The light of her lamp went out as it fell insignificantly on the floor.

Eros looked at Psyche as she cowered, still clutching the knife. 

The sight of her in the greater illumination finally pricked his heart.

He drew in a breath. 

This wasn’t the way. 

He made the knife disappear from her hand. 

“You have nothing to fear,” he said, more calmly. 

She remained crouched down, uncertain what to do.  

“Do you know who I am?” he said, softly. 

Psyche instinctively transitioned her crouch to a bow, dropping to her knees before him, as if performing a well-rehearsed ritual. 

“You are Eros, God of Desire,” she said, facing the floor. 

He shook his head, more to himself. These poor mortals.

“Rise, Psyche,” he said. “I can’t talk to you when you’re like that.” 

She carefully rose, not sure how she should act, now that she was reminded that she was in the presence of a god. 

“Psyche, do you realize what you have done?” Eros said.

Psyche looked at him, trying to process his question. 

But seeing his face, his perfectly beautiful face, made it hard to concentrate. 

Was it appropriate to stare at him? Psyche didn’t know. It was just so nice to finally be able to talk to him and look at him at the same time. 

It was then she noticed the pain and disappointment on his face. 

Lighting the lamp had hurt him far more than the oil burn on his hand. 

Psyche looked down and closed her eyes. 

Once again she had failed.

She had failed to trust him. She had failed to make the right choice. 

Psyche had known her husband wasn’t a monster, without having to light the lamp.

She felt like such a fool. 

She would have to face the consequence of breaking the rule. She would have to lose her husband. 

Not just any husband. 

The flawless God of Desire. 

She felt her heart sinking as she felt the weight of it. She finally had the chance to really know her husband, only to lose him. 

Psyche opened her eyes.

“I’m so sorry,” she said. “I didn’t know who you were. I knew you weren’t a monster. You have been so good to me. I didn’t know I could come to love someone so deeply even with the dark.

“I should have been happy enough to accept my fate, to follow the rule and leave things as they were. 

“But I couldn’t.” 

“Why couldn’t you?” he said sadly.

“I –” Psyche said. “I just felt useless. I know I can do so much good. Or at least, I can try. I may be mortal. I know I’m far from perfect, but I just can’t stay here and do nothing.”

“You’re not doing nothing,” Eros said. “You’re still helping someone. You’re helping me.”

Eros had been watching Psyche as she struggled. It was a lot to take in, both his identity and what she had done.

He couldn’t help noticing how beautiful she was in the light. 

Eros moved towards her and took her hand.

“Psyche,” he said. “My mother wanted me to punish you. She wanted you to be humbled and have your love turned against you. She asked me to pick someone vile for you to love. But something about you made me curious. I watched you, trying to find evidence that you were worthy of such a punishment.

“I found only goodness. Nothing of pride. Nothing of a desire to be worshiped. Quite the opposite. 

“Remember that necklace one of your worshippers gave you? The one you gave to Adonis? That was from me. I was testing you, trying to understand what you were about and how you felt about being worshiped.”

Psyche stared at him in disbelief. 

She really was so beautiful. It was nice to be able to talk to her in the light. 

“Do you remember when you came and spoke to the oracle?” Eros asked. “That was me too. I — I didn’t know it then, but I already loved you, Psyche. I wanted so desperately for a chance to talk to you. 

“Seeing how willing you were to accept your fate, made me love you all the more. I already knew you were too good for anyone. You’d make them all love you. Anyone I would have picked for you, you would have changed him. You would have made him better than he deserved to be. 

“I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t imagine you married to anyone else. 

“The irony of it all? I was indeed a monster before meeting you. I was careless with my powers and insensitive about people’s feelings. I didn’t know it then, but I know now that I needed you.”

“You needed me?” Psyche said in disbelief.

“Yes, Psyche,” Eros said. “You have opened my eyes to another kind of love, a love which gives a soul to the desires for lust and pleasure. Your love has changed me.” 

Looking at this flawless god before her made the idea of her helping him, changing him, seem quite ridiculous. How can perfection become more perfect? 

“I just wanted to help people, wanted to help the people of my kingdom,” she said, shaking her head. “I don’t have lofty aspirations. I’m not trying to be anyone special.”

“But you are,” he said softly. “It has been an honor being your husband. I knew it wouldn’t last forever, but I admit, I feel sad to lose you.”

“Why must we be apart? Isn’t there some other way?” Psyche said.

“I made an agreement with my mother,” he said, shaking his head. “It was the only way we could be together. You knew when you lit the lamp what was at stake.” 

“Yes, I know,” Psyche said, trying to think. “I’m sorry. I know I did wrong, but I — isn’t there another way? Is there something I can do? ” 

He felt his heart breaking.

“I’m sorry, Psyche,” he said. 

“No, wait,” Psyche said. “Maybe we can think of something. Maybe this doesn’t have to be the end.” 

Watching her struggle to fix her mistake was more than he could bear. He wanted to take her in his arms, make everything better. 

But he couldn’t. It would only make it harder.

It was time for her to go. 

The house dissolved into a brilliant night sky with countless stars and a glorious moon. 

“Zephyr!” Eros called. 

“Wait!” Psyche cried, panicking. “I — I’m sorry.” 

The Wind whipped through the house and Psyche shivered. 

“Return Psyche to her kingdom,” Eros said, stepping away from her. 

Psyche searched his face, hoping for some sign that she should stay and try to convince him that they could find an answer together. 

“Good-bye, Psyche,” he said, his face set. 

Psyche could see that if she tried to stay, it would only make it harder for him. The thought of adding to his pain silenced her. 

Psyche closed her eyes and stepped back, surrendering as the Wind swept her up and carried her away — away from the palace, away from Eros.

Eros watched Zephyr take her. 

His mother had been right. Psyche had disappointed him. 

But he didn’t feel angry. How could he blame her? He doubted he could have stayed in the dark for as long. 

She had done well for a mortal. 

Psyche was now free. She could go back to helping people. 

Hopefully Psyche would now be beyond his mother’s reach. Surely Aphrodite would agree that she had been adequately punished. A woman rejected by the gods. Who would want her? Who would welcome her? 

He felt so sorry. Psyche deserved better. 

He released the elements, letting them turn into whatever they wanted. They seemed aimless and formed a wild and empty field. 

She’s gone, they lamented. 

He couldn’t help them. 

His own pain was too great. 

Spreading his wings, Eros flew into the sky, away from where he and Psyche had been together. 

Away from everything. 

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