If I Had Words

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Chapter 54      Chapter 56

Psyche woke to someone drawing open the curtains, letting sunlight stream in. She blinked blurrily, adjusting to the light.

“Princess Psyche, welcome home,” someone said.

Psyche sat up.

“Madame Calissa! What are you doing here, opening my curtains like one of the attendants?” Psyche said.

“Princess Psyche,” Calissa said, “I may be the head mistress of the household staff, but I know how to welcome a princess home. As soon as I heard, I had to be the first one to come and greet you. I don’t know what you’ve been through, poor dear, but you are home now.”

Home. 

It didn’t feel like home anymore.

“Madame Calissa, you are the sweetest. Thank you so much,” Psyche said.

“Well, I’m not the only one. Nearly every attendant has begged to serve you today. I know it’s not protocol to have so many serve you at once, but Princess Psyche, would you mind if we had a few more hands helping you today?” Calissa said.

“Why of course!” Psyche said. 

With that Calissa went to the door and opened it, letting in a handful of attendants who had been standing close by waiting.

Psyche smiled as they filed in. She was happy to see familiar friendly faces. She knew they would do her good and would help her forget what she had lost.

But part of her didn’t want to forget. She had been married to the most wonderful being in the universe. Eros had been someone who loved her and cared for her. 

Now she had to accept the fact that she’d thrown it all away with the flicker of a lamp’s light. 

Attendants took turns greeting Psyche. They were full of smiles and “welcome homes”. 

Psyche pushed aside her despair and let their loving welcome wash over her. 

She really had missed them. 

“Sophia, how’s little Alexander?” Psyche said. “How old is he now?”

“Oh, he’s doing fine. Strong like his dad!” Sophia said, “He’s four now.” 

Alexander was now four! How time passed so quickly.

“Iris, how is your husband? Has he fully recovered?” Psyche asked.

“Oh, yes, Princess. No horse can keep him down. He’s back with the regular guard and better than ever. Been a few years now,” Iris said.

Psyche tried to remember some of the news Eros had brought to her, but her mind was drawing a blank. 

“So tell us, Princess,” Lyra said, seeing an opening, “what happened to you? Where have you been?”

“Lyra!” Madame Calissa chided. “You forget yourself!’

“No, it’s alright, Madame Calissa,” Psyche said. Madame Calissa was always one to prioritize protocol over basic human interaction. 

All of the attendants instinctively suspended their work in anticipation of Psyche’s answer. For as much as Madame Calissa knew proper protocol, even she was curious to know what had happened since their beloved princess had been abandoned to the arms of a monster. 

Psyche took a breath and quickly sifted through thoughts and feelings. This was no place to let all of her regret and grief come tumbling out. It would put an undue burden on them. 

“Remember how the oracle said I would marry a monster?” Psyche began. “He was indeed a being feared by gods and men. It was the very God of Desire, Eros, son of Aphrodite.”

Everyone gasped.

Their gasps pierced her, adding to her despair. He appeared in her mind at his full height of perfection. 

“Well, that’s unexpected,” Lyra said, looking at the other attendants.

“Doesn’t surprise me,” Iris said. She eyed Psyche and Psyche smiled. 

“What was it like?” Sophia asked, “being married to a god?”

“It was wonderful,” Psyche said. “Everything was absolutely perfect.”

“So why did you leave?” Madame Calissa asked, getting swept up in the news too. 

“I bet it’s the monster part of him, wasn’t it?” Lyra said. “He might look nice on the outside, but once you get to know him, he is horrible, right?” 

Psyche sadly smiled. 

“He is no monster,” Psyche said. “He was never anything but kind to me.”

Everyone stood quietly for a moment, afraid to repeat Madame Calissa’s question. 

Why had Psyche left? 

Psyche let it hang there for a moment as she recalled all of the truth that Eros had revealed just the night before. Her feelings of shame were still raw, realizing how much Eros had done for her, things that were now undone. 

“Eros had been tasked to punish me for the shrine and the goddess-like worship I had been receiving,” Psyche said. “He was supposed to do as the oracle said — marry me off to a monster who would make my life miserable.

“Only he married me himself.”

The women stood in reverent silence as Psyche searched for more words. 

“The Goddess Aphrodite didn’t want to reward me for the blasphemies we were all guilty of,” Psyche continued. “She had to make sure we all learned our lesson, especially me. And so, Eros and Aphrodite agreed that I could remain with him as long as I didn’t look upon him. I could only meet him at night, in the dark, without even a hint of a shadow as to his identity.

“I was allowed to live in comfort, could have anything I wanted, but could never know who shared my bed,” Psyche said. 

The women looked at each other. 

“To not know who shared my bed,” Iris said. “Now that would be a frightful thing.” 

Psyche shook her head. 

“No, he was kind. He never made me doubt him. He always made me feel safe,” Psyche said. 

“Why did you look at him, Princess?” Sophia asked quietly.

Psyche looked at her sadly. 

“I got lonely,” Psyche said. “A beautiful prison is still a prison. To be unable to see anyone or to be unable to see my husband, to visit any of you, was too much for me. I couldn’t live in the dark. I couldn’t live that way.” 

“Why didn’t he let people visit?” Madame Calissa asked. “Surely if he loved you, he couldn’t deny you that.”

“He did,” Psyche said. “He allowed my sisters to come and visit me.”

He really had been so good to her.  

“Really??” Lyra gasped with delight. “The princesses went to visit you at Eros’s palace??”

“You mean, Queen Aglaura and Lady Cydippe,” Madame Calissa corrected. 

“Yes, of course, Madame Calissa,” Lyra mumbled. 

Psyche could never understand the need for such correction. It left one feeling unnecessarily embarrassed. 

“They will always be princesses in my mind too,” Psyche said, smiling. “And truly, at first it was difficult to see my real sisters under the layers of royalty. Their duties are heavy and weigh them down.”

“How are they?” Iris asked. 

“They are both well,” Psyche said. She exchanged a look with Iris. It was clear Iris still cared a great deal for Psyche’s sisters. 

“So what are you going to do now?” Sophia asked. 

“I don’t know,” Psyche shrugged. “Try to accept my fate and make the most of being home.” 

“What? And give up on paradise?” Iris said.

“Iris!” Madame Calissa said. 

Iris knew her place, and it was not beneath Madame Calissa. 

“Psyche, Eros clearly loves you,” Iris said. “He defied his mother. He allowed your sisters to visit. He treated you well. What other evidence do you need?”

“There is no way back,” Psyche said, frankly. “It’s impossible.” 

“Maybe it’s not impossible,” Lyra said, taking courage from Iris. “If there was a way there, perhaps there is a way back.” 

“Right,” Iris said. “If Eros found a way to bring you together once, maybe you can find a way again.”

“How?” Psyche said, trying to maintain her composure. “Who am I to challenge the gods, to try and change my fate? I am a mortal at the mercy of the judgements of the gods. Not only did Aphrodite find me worthy of punishment, now I have lost the love of my husband.”

“True love is never lost,” Sophia said. “You taught me that.” 

Psyche looked at her, remembering Sophia’s struggles with her marriage. 

“And forgiveness is not out of reach,” Iris said. “You taught me that.” 

Psyche looked down, trying to fight the tears. How could Eros possibly forgive her? 

The silence embraced them all for a moment.

Calissa brought them back to the task before them. 

“Ladies! Princess Psyche needs to be ready to meet with the king and queen,” Calissa said. “Princess, your parents have requested your presence. We’ve delayed long enough.” 

Psyche nodded as everyone got busy. 

What would she say to her parents? She had lost the most prestigious marriage, without knowing she had it. 

She was surely of little use to her parents now. 

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