If I Had Words

Chapter 4    Chapter 6

Khaos was growing restless. I could feel it. He came more and more often into our space. He would hover over what we were doing, frown at what we were creating. I thought about what he’d said. He would never give up. He was still determined to clear his void.

I wasn’t sure how long he would let us figure out the necessary balances to co-exist before he began disrupting things again. I hoped he would hold off long enough for me to figure out what was wrong with my earth. 

My earth still needed something. 

Pontos had been nice enough to work with. He was certainly a willing partner. His seas were now more organized. Well, mostly. I’d learned to ignore Phorcys and Keto. They had each other to enjoy the grotesque things they found in the deep. 

It was just that — everything had to be connected to his elements. It didn’t seem like we were able to create anything beyond the water-bound ones which now existed. Pontos enjoyed working with his fellow masters of the sea. They could see I was generally uninterested, though I appreciated that I could talk to Nereos or Thaumas whenever the seas were getting in my way. They were good about helping me move them.

“Mother,” Thaumas said. “Why do you not like the sea?” 

His question surprised me. 

“I do like the sea,” I said. 

“It doesn’t seem like you do,” he said. “You are always asking us to move it, contain it, control it. Why can’t you just let the sea be what it will be?” 

If only he knew what it felt like to have the sea cover every part of my surface. If only I could put into words how I felt. 

“I am still trying to understand the earth I have created,” I said. “It is hard to see when it is covered by the sea.” 

“Oh,” he said.

I could tell he didn’t really understand, but I wasn’t sure what else to say. I wished I could help him understand. 

I deeply wished to be understood. 

I had some hope in Eurybia. Her entire being seemed to exist for questions. Her inquisitive mind, however, was still focused on answering her youthful curiosity. She had asked me her many questions about the earth and its creation, which I couldn’t explain very well. She asked about the materials and colors, which were quite basic and plain. When she got to questions about light and dark, she could tell right away I would be no help. She had quickly turned her attention to Nyx and Hemera. Eurybia asked about the cycles they were developing, how they knew when to move, and how they determined the pace. She would alternate between talking to them, since light and dark could never occupy the same space. She would compare Hemera’s answers against Nyx’s. It was fascinating watching Eurybia. 

To have a mind like hers. 

Still, I could sense bigger problems were coming. I began watching Khaos more closely. I could see he was uneasy, and would strike soon. I tried to monitor my earth. I didn’t know how I would protect it, but I hoped that if I stayed vigilant, I would be able to rebuild whatever he took apart. 

One day, to my horror, as Hemera was passing over a part of the earth, I discovered loose elements floating freely. It was obvious that Khaos had been there. How had I missed it? I frantically gathered the elements back, melting them again into the earth’s crust. 

Standing back, I looked at the repair feeling dissatisfied. Everything was all the same. Totally uninteresting. Most of the surface was black like the void. Some of it had turned grey in the light. I didn’t know what to do. 

What was missing? What did the earth need so that it could become more? 

“Khaos is right,” Ouranos said from behind me. “Your earth is ugly.” 

I ignored him. Ouranos was just like Khaos. He might not take apart my creations, but he added nothing to them.

“I have been watching,” he said. “Khaos is going to slowly take your earth apart.” 

“Why would that matter to you?” I said, pretending to concentrate on the repair. I figured if I kept myself fixed on my work, he would soon get bored and leave me alone. 

“Well, as much as I do not want to admit it,” he said. “I do need your earth to keep my elements in their proper state.” 

I could not care less about his floating, unnecessary elements. 

“But,” he continued, “you need to do something more with your earth if you are going to protect it from Khaos.”

Did he think he sounded smart when he stated the obvious? 

“Of course,” I said, not looking up. “What do you think I am trying to do?” 

“It looks like you are just rearranging your ugly earth,” he said. 

That was it. 

“What would you know about trying?” I said, facing him. A fire instantly raged within me. “At least I am trying to do something. I have worked with Pontos. We have created more who can help keep things organized when Khaos comes to disorganize them. You? You have done nothing. You are just like Khaos. You are not a creator. You only care about yourself.”

My anger produced more of Ouranos’s elements and he happily collected them. 

“Hmm,” Ouranos said. “I did not notice it before, but you produce more of my elements than the heat of Aether and Hemera.” 

“That is all you care about,” I said, giving up and starting to walk away. “You only care about your elements, your little ‘heaven’.” 

“Are you any different?” he said, calling after me. “You only care about your earth.” 

I turned back and faced him. 

“You said it yourself. Your elements need me. Pontos and his seas do too. There are even more of the sea now. They all rely on my earth. Aether and Hemera need the earth otherwise they are lost in the void.” 

“So what are you going to do?” he asked. 

“I will think of something,” I said, turning away again. 

He touched me, making me stop. 

His touch produced a sudden heat within my core. He’d never touched me before and it felt so strange. I looked at where we touched.

Ouranos looked at me curiously, apparently processing some feelings of his own.

“That produced more of my heavens than when you were angry,” he said. 

“I do not care,” I said, pulling away.

He came closer and touched me again, collecting more of his elements as he did.

“Stop,” I said, moving out of reach. “I am not interested in helping you build your heavens. If you do not care about the rest of us, I do not see why I should care about you.” 

“Because I am the only one who can stop Khaos,” he said. At his words, I paused my retreat.

“Then stop him,” I said, stepping a little closer. “Why do you not stop him?” 

“I am not big enough,” he said, shrugging. “Even if I wanted to protect you all from Khaos, my heavens do not stretch far enough.”

“Would you? If your heavens were big enough?” I asked. 

He thought for a moment. 

“Maybe.”

I rolled my eyes.

“Nevermind,” I said, turning to leave.

“No, Gaia, wait,” he said. He caught me and more elements joined his heavens. We stood looking at each other and even more elements were released. I could feel my inner core growing hotter as he stood there, looking at me and touching me. 

Would he be willing to protect me? Or was this all just a trick to get what he wanted? 

“I cannot guarantee much more than if I have enough elements, I can surround your earth and protect it from Khaos’s touch.”

Surround me? 

Was he planning to surround me completely? 

I found myself backing away. 

“What is wrong?” he said, confused.

“I cannot do that again,” I said, shaking my head. I had to get away from him. “I do not want you surrounding me.” 

“I do not understand,” he said, following me as I started walking away.

“Pontos’s seas were everywhere,” I said, over my shoulder. “They touched everything. They covered everything. I cannot have that again.” 

He caught me, and turning himself around, faced me. I stopped. 

“It would not be like that,” he said. “I know. I saw. It would not be like that with me.” 

“How do you know?” I said.

“I am different.” 

“You are different, how?”

“Can you feel it?” he said. 

He looked down at where we touched. 

“You feel — so different –” he said, struggling to find the words. 

His touch did feel different. His touch definitely invoked a different response within my earth than with the sea.

“But you are like Khaos,” I said. “You only care about yourself. You want to completely surround me with your elements? Trap me? Limit me? Keep me producing more of your heavens so you can grow bigger while the rest of us struggle under the weight of your control? I thought Pontos cared when we worked together to manage his seas. But — But even he is no different. He only cares about his elements too.”

Ouranos released me.

“I am not like Pontos,” he said. “I am not like Khaos. I am different.” 

“How? How are you different?” 

“I do not know how to explain,” he said. “You will have to trust me. Let me show you.” 

“No,” I said, shaking my head. “I cannot risk it. I do not want to lose what I have gained. It took so much just to get here. I do not want to lose everything if you turn out to be just like them.” 

I turned and started running, widening the gap between us so he couldn’t touch me anymore. I didn’t want to help him just so he could cover me. He’d have to figure out his own way if he wanted more of his heavens. He wouldn’t get any more from me. 

Chapter 4    Chapter 6