If I Had Words

Chapter 11    Chapter 13

I watched Ouranos move about his heavens. It was clear he was avoiding me. He never got close enough to the earth.

I thought about what Nyx had said. Desire was the beginning of creation. If Ouranos didn’t have any desire to create something new, maybe he could still desire me. I just needed to be desirable. 

I could see my earth was no longer ugly, but maybe there was more I could do. I worked with Rheia and Tethys to see if we could make the earth more colorful. They mostly worked with the same two or three colors, which I liked well enough. We explored parts of the earth still barren and struggling. We added the colors they knew how to create. 

Ouranos stayed in his heavens. 

Maybe the lighting was wrong. I found Theia and we worked together to position her glow to highlight the new features. We studied patterns and Rheia and Tethys helped reorganize some areas. Together we discussed how the earth could shine and sparkle. 

Still, Ouranos did not come down.

I looked at my earth. It was so much better. It had light in special places. It had more color, even if it was more of the same. Tethys created “dew drops” which added even more shimmer as they reflected the light. 

What more could I possibly do to make Ouranos desire me?

I was glad I hadn’t told anyone I was trying to be desirable. The children were all pleased with our efforts and I did my best to smile and feel happy along with them. But troubling thoughts came back. Now that Ouranos had what he wanted, was he done with me? Was it too late? Would he ever desire me again? Would I need to find another co-creator? 

I did not want another. 

It was easy enough to stay busy with the children, but I could not distract myself away from my sad thoughts. Nothing worked. I was undesirable. It was all a useless struggle. 

The word “mother” became repulsive again. I had learned the word didn’t mean the children wanted me. It meant they wanted attention or help or my energy. All things I couldn’t give. I had little attention for anything other than my sad thoughts. I wasn’t much help when my own problems felt so big. And as I kept worrying, I soon had no energy left.

More cycles of day and night passed. My lack of interest and energy confused the children. Why didn’t I want to give them the attention they needed? What was wrong with me? Some of them turned to each other to figure things out. Others ventured on their own to try new things. 

I couldn’t bring myself to care one way or another.  

“What’s wrong?” 

It was Ouranos. His voice gave me a start. I’d been resting on the top of one of the high peaks for I don’t know how long. My back ached as I straightened and faced him. 

“Why should you care?” I said. I had already tried to be desirable and it hadn’t worked. There was no point in trying to be desirable now. 

He looked puzzled. 

“I care because we depend on each other.”

“You do not really want that.” 

He frowned.

“It is true that at first I did not want that. Now I want to stay with you.”

“You are ever changing. First you want your independence. Now you want to stay. Maybe that will change too.”

“It will not.” 

“How can I know?”

“Because I am still here.” 

“But you stay away from me.”

“I stay away because I do not want to create any more of the others.”

“They are not ‘others’,” I said, growing hot. “They are our creations, our children. We made them together. You are done creating. And now you are done with me.” 

He looked down at me, clearly confused. 

“I did not say that.”

“But that is what you mean. You have no more desire to be with me. You have no more desire to create.” 

“I desire you. That is why I must stay away. I do not want to make more without understanding what it is we are doing. You are so busy with the others, we do not have time to understand the process.” 

“We should be working with them together. You leave me to do it all alone.”

“They do not need as much attention as you give them.” 

“Do you care for what I need? For what I want?”

“I do care. It is why I helped you make your monsters. If I did not care, I would not have made them with you. You were afraid of Khaos and I could see how much you wanted them. I did not want them. I still do not think we need them. I did that for you.”

I covered my face, trying to contain my anger and despair. I had been trying everything, doing as much as I could and at every turn I was failing. I had made useless creatures. I was not desirable. Ouranos didn’t want me anymore. He seemed willing to protect me, but I did not feel safe. 

“Gaia, I do not want to create with you yet, but I do need to talk to you.”

“About what?” I asked. I had little hope it would be a good conversation. 

“I know you do not like Khaos, but he told me something which puts us both in danger.”

He had my attention now. 

“What is he doing? What is the new danger??” 

“Gaia, it is not what you think,” he said.

“You might not realize how dangerous he is. You sometimes talk the same. You cannot see. He wants to destroy everything!”

“He said creation is destructive.”

“See!” I said, moving away. “He is telling you things and you believe him. He has said this before. He has already said I am destructive. It is what he told Erebos. I am not. I am creation.”

“Gaia, everything we create requires elements and energy. The more we create, the more elements it takes. Our creations — our children — are also creators. They will want to create and that creation will take elements and energy too. It will take more. There will be more creators who will create other creators who will take and take until we have nothing left.” 

His words finally made me pause.

“There is a limited amount of elements, a limited amount of energy,” he said. “We would have to give them what they need. Just as you gave me my elements. And Pontos had to give us some of his seas as you got too hot.”

He smiled slightly. 

I frowned.

“Why are you smiling?” 

“I had not thought about what I had taken to become the heavens. I took from you and from Pontos and from Aether and Hemera to become complete. It was the only way I could be big enough to surround and protect everyone. But I am also a taker, just like them.”

“You have a purpose,” I said. 

“A purpose. Yes,” he said, thoughtful. “That does make a difference. Do we each have a purpose?”

I thought for a moment.

“When I had first formed the earth, Khaos said it had no purpose. It wasn’t until I came out of the abyss that I could finally see. I believe our children have purposes, though I do not know what. I know the cyclopes and hecatoncheires must find another purpose.”

“Do you think Khaos has a purpose?”

I looked at him. “What purpose could there be for disorder? What purpose could there be in taking things apart, undoing my work?” 

“Think about it, Gaia,” Ouranos said. “The power of undoing could be good, if we understood its purpose.” 

“But destruction is not good. It takes no effort, no energy. It is nothing like creation.”

“It is the opposite of creation,” he said. 

That reminded me of what Themis had said. Khaos and I were likely part of a whole until we pushed against each other, finally separating. It made some sense, but I couldn’t imagine ever being part of Khaos. 

“We need creation. We need to make things.” 

“Maybe we also need to unmake things. Maybe that is how we can avoid being destroyed by our own creations. We need to understand Khaos’s purpose,” he said. 

I couldn’t think of any purpose for a force like Khaos. 

Ouranos stood quietly for a moment. 

“We should make something,” he said, suddenly reaching for me. 

Now he desire? I did not trust it. I pulled away.

“What do you want to create?” 

“If you do not want to use Khaos, we need to create something that would help provide a balance to all of these other creators.”

“No,” I said. “He might be too much like Khaos. He might be a destroyer.”

“Gaia, what do you suggest? Endless creation? More creators which will make more creators who will take and take from your earth and my heavens? Is that any different from Khaos and his destruction?”

“It is different.”

“How?” 

“They are creators making things which are good. They are putting in their understanding and energy to make things better. They want more than the void. They want more than nothing. They are like us.”

“We need one who understands both. Creation and destruction. One who could make new things while also releasing the energy and elements of things which no longer have a purpose.” 

“That would require great knowledge. We need to consult the children,” I said, starting to go.

He blocked my retreat and I could feel his energy. I missed him. I wanted him. I felt a sudden surge of desire to create with him. 

I had to be careful. 

“We cannot make something without understanding,” I said, pulling away and trying to dampen my desire. “You said that. You are right. We need to ask the children.” 

He shook his head.

“You were there from the beginning. Everything they have is from you. Do you not trust yourself? Do we not know enough that we might create what we need together?” 

I looked at him.

“I do not have the answer. I have tried and tried to be what I am supposed to be. I have tried to be desirable. I have tried to understand, but things are constantly changing. The children have more and more things they want to do. I fail them. I fail you. I made useless creatures who cannot stop Khaos. I am not enough.”

“You are, Gaia. You are powerful.” 

I wanted him. My desire was more than I could hold back. I wanted his confidence and his balance. I wanted to be with him and only him. He did not take from me. He gave. He provided. He protected. 

“I do not know what we should create. I cannot control it,” I said. “I only feel the desire for you, but I do not have the answer.” 

“We will create the answer together.” 

I finally surrendered. We came together and focused our energy on what we wanted. I was surprised at how much energy I could feel from him. It was overwhelming, blinding, breathless, almost painful. His power made me unsure what would come of our efforts. 

Chapter 11    Chapter 13